KG the Carnegie
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: After an embarrassing experience on stage, KG begins to reconsider his future in comedy. Meanwhile, RK is constantly annoyed by Buster's new imaginary friend.
1. KG the Carnegie Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 4

EPISODE 9

Airdate: January 31, 2016

"KG the Carnegie" (cover of the _Full House_ episode "But Seriously, Folks")

Special Guest Stars: Bruce Baum as Laugh Machine Host, Kevin Hart as Himself, Larisa Oleynik as Denise

 _Original teleplay written by Russell Marcus_

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _At night, RK and Wade are watching the music video for "My Name Is..." by Eminem on TV. Both of them look bored._

WADE: I never liked this song.

RK: Hey, do you think Eminem gets underrated because he's white?

WADE: Kinda. Personally, I think he's underrated _and_ overrated because he's white. It's not his fault, but that's just how society works.

RK: Wait a minute. Why the hell is this video on VH1 Soul?

 _Wade looks closely at the screen and realizes the channel the video is airing on. His eyes become squinted and shifty._

WADE: It's probably part of the plan to whitewash music and drive my people insane. Well, that's not going to work!

RK: What?

 _Sparky and Jaylynn walk through the door at that moment._

SPARKY: Hey guys.

JAYLYNN: What goes on?

 _Buster then walks in, motioning for someone else to walk in but they never do._

BUSTER: Come on, Rick, don't be shy. Don't worry, they'll all like you. I promise.

 _Buster then walks in but no one else is around him, confusing RK._

RK: Um, okay? You guys are late, you know.

SPARKY: We were supposed to be here at 8:23. It is now...8:29.

RK: Well, that's a six-minute difference. I don't know about you, but ignoring punctuality like that is what's causing America to crumble.

JAYLYNN: Why are you so uppity anyway?

RK: Because tonight is KG's night, we've been over this. He's performing a set at the Laugh Machine and a big talent scout is supposed to be there. I just want things to be perfect.

BUSTER: Hey, Rick loves comedy. Who's your favorite comedian, Ricky? _There is dead silence for a few seconds._ Okay, he said Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Dave Chappelle. It's a toss-up.

 _There is another awkward pause._

RK: Okay, what the f*** is wrong with him?

SPARKY: He's just...

RK: Should I spank him? Because I'll give him a spanking.

SPARKY: You don't have to give him a spanking. He's just talking to his new imaginary friend.

BUSTER: Yeah, his name is Rick. Say hi to RK, Rick. He says hi. You can't see it or hear it, but he said it.

RK: Seriously, is there like a shotgun or something?

SPARKY: Will you calm down? It's perfectly normal for someone Buster's age to have an imaginary friend.

RK: Yeah, and by age 19, it becomes abnormal. And by age 29, you're trying to impress Jodie Foster by busting a cap in Reagan's ass. Wait a minute, _did_ he shoot him at age 29?

SPARKY: Regardless, just let the boy live. He's been a little mopey lately but ever since he started hanging out with Rick, you can't keep the smile off his face.

RK: I guess we're just going to have to talk about Rick in proper context so Buster doesn't get confused?

SPARKY: Pretty much. If you say he's imaginary, it just throws off the whole thing.

RK: Fine. I'll play along for his sake. So Rick. How were you created? Where did you get that awesome name?

BUSTER: Oh, he was named after Rick from _Degrassi._

RK: That Rick? The abusive, neurotic, mentally unstable gunman Rick who died?

BUSTER: Yeah.

RK: Okay, I'm going to go check on KG, make sure he's not nervous.

 _RK walks upstairs and looks back at the guys._

RK: That boy ain't right.

 _RK continues walking upstairs while Buster starts poking Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: Yes, Buster?

BUSTER: Rick thinks you're cute. He wanted me to pass you this note.

JAYLYNN: Aww, that is so sweet. I'm flattered, Rick, but it's kinda complicated.

WADE: You do realize you're talking to thin air, which is essentially a manifestation of the thoughts of a nine-year-old boy?

JAYLYNN: Hey! I'll play along if I want to!

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior KG's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is listening to some of KG's material on his bed._

KG: Okay, this is something new I've been working on. Check it out. Now what's the deal with climate change? Personally, I think it's a bunch of bull. I mean, if you really want to see what happens when you're sucked dry of all your resources, just date a Kardashian.

 _RK starts cackling and rolling around on the bed._

RK: Oh, that's a good one. You know, KG, I have to say. At first when you became a comedian, I had my doubts. But you're getting there, I tell you.

KG: Thanks, man. Tonight is MY night, I can feel it. Did I even tell you about the...

RK: Talent scout from TeenNick who's looking for young comedians to showcase in a big special? Yeah, you might have mentioned it once, or a hundred thousand times.

KG: I'm sorry, man. I'm just excited for this. My first big break is finally here. I just hope I don't sweat on the microphone because my palms get sweaty. Or get a rash. It might be coming now. RK, GET THE CREAM!

RK: KG, bro, calm down. You're going to do fine. I believe in you.

KG: Thanks RK. You know, I believe in you too. One day, you're going to tell your nieces and nephews that your brother had his moment tonight.

RK: Why not kids?

KG: I thought you said you hated kids and you would never, ever have them. Ever.

RK: I could change my mind.

SCENE 3

The Laugh Machine

Interior Chuckle's Diner

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all sitting down together and watching a magician perform. RK is coming back from the bathroom and takes his seat next to Buster._

BUSTER: Hey RK, could you sit somewhere else?

RK: Why? This is my seat.

BUSTER: Yeah, but Rick's sitting here.

RK: How could he be sitting here? I was gone for less than five minutes!

BUSTER: He was sitting on top of me, but he saw your seat was empty so he moved.

RK: THIS SEAT IS STILL F***ING EMPTY, BUSTER!

SPARKY: Guys, will you be quiet? We're in public.

 _The magician taps his hat three times with his magic stick and a snake comes out. Everybody is shocked._

MAGICIAN: And that is how you get it done. Thank you, you've been an amazing audience.

L.M. HOST: Well, how about that? That was an excellent performance by the Great Markeloni. Markel Benson all the way from Winnipeg, Ontario, Canada! Give it up!

 _The full house at the dining hall gives Markel a huge round of applause._

KG: Oh man, this is every comedian's dream. Following a magician? The crowd is dying to laugh. Hey, don't look now, but the scout from TeenNick is sitting right behind us.

 _The guys all turn around to look at the scout, a twenty-something African-American woman with glasses, a clipboard and an asymmetrical bob. She looks up at them who all have big smiles on their faces._

KG: My PR firm. It's almost time for my introduction!

L.M. HOST: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a lot of laughs here in store for you so let's get right down to it. This kid is a real comic whiz, just started about 18 months ago. And...wait a minute, who is that in the back row? Is that...is that Kevin Hart? KEVIN HART'S IN THE BUILDING, PEOPLE, GIVE IT UP!

 _The camera cuts to a smiling Kevin Hart in the back of Chuckle's Diner as the crowd applauds him. KG looks almost disgusted._

KG: This is still my night. This is still my night. I mean, he's tired and everything, he probably won't tell a single joke.

L.M. HOST: You know, Kevin, uh, thanks for making sure the art of stand-up comedy stays alive. My kids love you to pieces.

KEVIN HART: Oh, thanks, I appreciate it. You know, there are very few things in this world that are for the children, and when it comes down to it, I like to think I'm right there next to the Wu-Tang Clan.

 _The crowd laughs at the joke as KG shakes his head._

L.M. HOST: Hey, you think we can get you up here for a couple of jokes, Kevin?

KG: Yes. The white one, not the black one! Wait, that didn't sound right.

KEVIN HART: I mean, I had nothing planned, I wanted to just check out the young talent.

KG: Yes. Let him check out the young talent, he was _planning_ to.

L.M. HOST: Everybody, give it up for Kevin Hart!

 _The crowd roars as Hart takes the stage._

JAYLYNN: I love Kevin Hart, but this is just unfair. It's supposed to be KG's night!

RK: Relax, he'll probably tell a couple jokes for five or ten minutes, then KG will be up there in no time.

KEVIN HART: See, I wasn't planning to do this tonight, I was just sitting back there, enjoying the nice Seattle air. And you know, I hate unannounced entrances. I never liked that feeling of just bursting into a place when you weren't invited.

KG: How bloody ironic.

KEVIN HART: Reminds me of when I was nine years old just listening to some music. And my dad, as wild as he is, came in my room and said, "KEVIN!" I was shook, the floor was vibrating that night, I swear. One hundred percent true story and you can quote me on that. So anyway, I see my dad with those eyes and I know somehow, some way, an unannounced entrance like that can only mean one thing...I f***ed up BAD.

SCENE 4

The Laugh Machine

Interior Chuckle's Diner

Seattle, Washington

 _90 MINUTES LATER_

 _Hart is still on stage. Everybody is loving his performance except for the kids and especially KG._

KG: An hour and a half. I could watch an entire damn movie in an hour and a half.

KEVIN HART: And that's why these thugs today just need to stop. They need to stop all of it. Kissing each other when you're not even gay, shooting guys in the dick, having to be all hardcore when you can't even pull up your jeans because you like the breeze back there. Now look, I'm a fan of tolerance, I'm a very accepting person. But where else do you hear about two guys making out when they're not even gay for the attention? Only Madonna can kiss people for attention and get away with it, remember that. Well, I have to go now and head back to the hotel. The Laugh Machine, you've been a beautiful audience! I send the Seahawks my best wishes. Peace!

 _Hart leaves the Laugh Machine to a raucous reception. Pretty soon, some other audience members start to leave._

L.M. HOST: What a guy, that Kevin Hart. Wait, don't go! We still have more laughs! You know, I have a watermelon in the back, I can get that out for you. I can smash that into bits, nothing like a badass sight gag.

BUSTER: This guy just needs to stop.

SPARKY: Word.

 _The host looks at KG and remembers that he was supposed to have a set._

L.M. HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, it may be behind schedule, but he's still here and the night is still young. Put your hands together for the comedy stylings of Seattle's very own KG Jennings!

 _The audience still remaining barely reacts to KG's appearance but Testicular Sound Express lets them know by repeatedly clapping and snapping in approval._

KG: Wow, thank you guys. Thank you. You know, how about that? Kevin Hart, funny guy. How incredible that of all the nights to come here, he conveniently chose this night to be at this specific club? _*under his breath*_ This f***ing club. _*talks back into the microphone*_ You know, come to think of it, I realize how hard it is for guys or girls to find the perfect person to be with. Everybody has all these standards and it's ridiculous. But they have to have them. So whenever somebody says, "Your standards for dating are ridiculously high." I say, "Dude, these girls aren't just dating a homeless guy begging for cash, they're dating me." You know how it is?

 _At that point, two more people leave while the kids are laughing. The scout is still there, but she appears to be packing up her things._

KG: You know, seven years ago, everybody voted for Obama where I'm from. If you lived in my area, you were probably an Obama guy. But isn't it amazing how many people say that black people voted for Obama only because he's black? Trust me, the people who know Ben Carson want nothing to do with him. That's why if some people heard the BS he was spewing, they would go to Congress and demand that Obama get a third term just to make sure Carson's political career dies out. He'll be like, "The media doesn't understand me." Dude, nobody wants to understand you.

 _Another man with glasses gets up and sighs. KG tries to stop him, but he points to his watch and leaves the diner. Two more people sitting in the back row also leave._

KG: Oh, come on, guys, you don't want to miss this. I do impressions. Check out my CM Punk. "I'm the best in the whole damn world, that's why I quit the WWE and took my wife with me!" Want me to puff out my chest and talk about tax exemption?

 _At that point, the scout leaves as well. This is the finishing blow for KG, as he just stands there frozen. Pretty soon, the only people left are the kids, KG, and the Laugh Machine host._

SPARKY: He's been standing like that for 32 minutes.

RK: KG? You okay?

 _RK snaps his fingers in KG's face, which releases him from his trance._

KG: Oh, hi guys. I'm going to be in the bathroom, I'll meet you in the car.

 _KG leaves the diner and heads towards the bathroom._

BUSTER: I don't like the sound of this, Rick. Do you?

RK: Can we just travel in separate cars tonight?

 _In the bathroom, KG hangs his suit jacket on the hook inside the stall and sits on the toilet. He looks angry, but his anger quickly turns to sadness when he starts breaking down in tears. The camera slowly pulls up from the perspective of the ceiling as KG continues crying his eyes out._

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all sitting on the couch the next day watching TV._

BUSTER: You know, I feel horrible for KG. He was supposed to be the star last night, not Kevin Hart.

WADE: See, I'm more of a Chris Rock guy myself.

RK: It actually gets worse. You guys read _The Seattle Times_ this morning?

SPARKY: No.

BUSTER: What?

JAYLYNN: Your newspaper obsession is so weird.

RK: Look, Sam Battersby was at the Laugh Machine last night. He's a writer for the newspaper's entertainment section and he saw the whole thing.

BUSTER: So...KG is innocent until proven guilty?

RK: Shut up. I'll read some of the review: "A surprise appearance by widely known comedian Kevin Hart shut down Open Mic Night at the Laugh Machine. It was followed up by an awkward, premature, and lifeless performance by 14-year-old Kevin Jennings. Hart spent 90 minutes captivating the audience while Jennings' set barely lasted ten minutes before the club cleared out and he was left on stage, mouth agape."

WADE: That Sam Battersby is rough. He can either make you or break you with his reviews.

JAYLYNN: Where's KG anyway?

RK: In his room. He hasn't left it since he came home last night. I better go talk to him.

WADE: Want me to come along?

RK: Sure. He could use the support.

 _RK and Wade walk upstairs when Sparky starts yawning loudly._

JAYLYNN: You have something on your mind, kid?

SPARKY: I wanted to know if Rick would be joining us for some ice cream later today.

BUSTER: Oh no, Sparky, Rick can't come. He's lactose intolerant.

SPARKY: Really? Oh, that's too bad.

BUSTER: Yeah. I had no idea he was Native American until he told me this morning.

 _Sparky and Jaylynn give each other concerned looks._

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior KG's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK: KG, you have to get out of bed.

KG: What's the point? I walk out there to eat something and somebody else is just going to do it better than me.

WADE: I noticed we failed to knock.

RK: I know. This is really bad, man. KG always yells at me for not knocking. Even when he's not in the room.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _RK constantly calls out KG's name at his door, then opens it and sees that he is not in there. He then gets a call at that moment._

RK: Hello?

KG: You didn't knock on the f***ing door, did you?

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

WADE: KG, you're going to go nowhere in life if you let this setback hold you down.

KG: Maybe nothing's holding me down. Maybe it's just not worth getting out of bed anymore. What's the point in trying to be successful? We do all this dirty work and get paid for nothing, then some scrawny little punk comes around and does what you do even worse, but he gets all the recognition for the same job. It's ridiculous. Which is why the only person I'm competing against is myself. Nothing bad happens when you work for yourself.

RK: Well, you could always end up being incompetent in a job you can't handle without the help of someone else.

WADE: RK!

RK: Look, I just want to keep it real. KG, those people out there don't know what they were missing out on. They blew it last night not staying to hear your jokes. Kevin Hart came in and got the crowd's attention. So what? It's a celebrity's job to steal the spotlight. It's part of the agreement with Hollywood. Look, I know you're sad and scared and confused, but you have to give it another shot. For me, for Wade, for the guys, for the world, and for yourself. Do you understand?

KG: Yes. I do.

RK: Good. So you're going to continue doing comedy?

KG: No, I'm still staying in this bed. I'm just aware of everything you said.

 _The camera does a closeup of RK with a bored expression._

RK: Well, that's just f***ing dandy, I give up. I'll tell you when dinner's ready.

 _RK leaves the room with Wade still inside._

WADE: Um, I, um...I appreciated your Ben Carson joke.

KG: Thanks. But you're only saying that because you're my brother's friend.

WADE: Well, that's an odd way of putting it. Look, KG, I get that you had a rough night. Failure is an awful thing to deal with. But no one said that you have to throw in the towel so quickly.

KG: Someone did. Me.

WADE: Look, if I were you, I wouldn't rush into comedy so quickly. I would spend some time doing something else that's fun until I got my confidence back.

KG: What do you suggest?

WADE: I don't know. Just something to keep your mind off comedy. Try something new.

KG: I understand.

WADE: You understand that I was talking to you?

KG: No, I understand everything you're saying. It all makes sense now.

WADE: Well, I am quite pleased that you learned something from this experience. I'm going to go now and I hope I see you in a better place soon.

KG: Sure thing. And Wade?

WADE: Yeah?

KG: You're a good guy.

WADE: Thanks, KG.

KG: Sure thing.

 _Wade leaves the room. At that point, KG gets a phone call from Rodney._

KG: Hello?

RODNEY: Dude, did you see Kevin Hart at the club last night? I heard he killed it!

 _KG screams and throws his cell phone to the side._

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are all eating together._

BUSTER: Would you like some more chicken tenders, Rick? Oh no, I insist. There you go.

JAYLYNN: Is somebody going to tell him he's not talking to anyone?

SPARKY: Jaylynn, it's his imaginary friend. He's happier than he's been in a while.

JAYLYNN: I get that, but it's been a couple days now. How long is he going to keep this up? He actually pulled out his phone yesterday and called Rick for nine minutes.

SPARKY: Haven't you ever had an imaginary friend?

JAYLYNN: Yes. Her name was Snowflake. She was my best friend when I was five. But I had to end it.

SPARKY: Why?

JAYLYNN: She tried touching me down there so I had her arrested for sexual harassment.

SPARKY: What the f***?

 _RK and Wade walk into the lunchroom._

WADE: So how's KG?

RK: He didn't even go to school today. He said he has a surprise for us and he wants all of us to be there.

WADE: Is that a good thing or not?

RK: I don't know, why do you have to ask me things I don't have the answer to? Wait a minute. It's that Rick again at the table. That's it, I'm going to murder his ass.

WADE: Wait a minute, calm down, RK! You don't even know if Rick is there.

RK: Of course I know. I can sense his Rick-ness. His inner Rick-osity is permeating throughout the room.

SPARKY: Buster, can you pass me the salt?

BUSTER: My hands are a mess. Rick, could you pass it?

JAYLYNN: Buster, just wipe your hands and pass him the damn salt.

BUSTER: I can't, Rick should do it. Rick, stop being a jackass and pass Sparky the salt.

RK: What the hell is happening now?

SPARKY: I'll just get the salt myself. Kids these days.

BUSTER: I asked Rick to pass Sparky the salt and he wouldn't do it. It's probably that iPhone of his. He's becoming a slave to the screen.

RK: Look, Buster, I've been thinking long and hard about this Rick thing. And I've come to the conclusion that either Rick needs to be murdered or you need to be committed for a serious mental imbalance.

BUSTER: I think you're just not bonding with Rick. How about you come to my condo this weekend for a slumber party and some burgers? All three of us can have time to act like men.

RK: Look, I have some paperwork that weekend, I don't know. They have me working non-stop at the office.

SPARKY: RK would _love_ to hang out with you and Rick this weekend.

BUSTER: Awesome!

RK: You know what, smart guy? How about you join us for burgers this weekend?

SPARKY: Oh, don't drag me into this.

RK: Sounds like a yes to me.

SPARKY: RK, you officially suck.

RK: Noted, my friend.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all in the living room when KG calls them up._

KG: GUYS, COME UP HERE! IT'S TIME FOR THE NEW KG TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE!

RK: New KG? What's he talking about?

WADE: Eh, I don't know. We'll see when we get there.

BUSTER: I'll just leave Rick here. He doesn't know KG like that.

RK: THANK GOD!

 _Testicular Sound Express walks into KG's room but it is empty._

JAYLYNN: Okay, did he just bullshit us into coming up here or what?

KG: Oh no, he didn't.

 _KG walks out of the closet in a suit and tie, with slicked back hair. The kids are all shocked and confused. KG goes into the mirror and starts checking out his hair. RK slowly walks up to him and feels the back of his head._

RK: Damn. Someone's been moussing.

WADE: You're wearing mousse now?

KG: I sure am.

SPARKY: KG, why do you look like a model for the Old Navy catalog?

KG: Because Sparky, over the last 24 hours, I've had a soul-searching moment. A realization, an epiphany if you will. That big break I've been hoping for is not coming. I'm going to enter the fast-paced world of business, get a real job, and start making some real money. I can't have RK starving when I turn 16.

BUSTER: But what about your comedy?

KG: Buster, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to say to himself, "I tried, and I failed." I'm just glad I realized this now and not when I'm 27.

JAYLYNN: So this is really the end of an era?

KG: Oh, don't get all sentimental, Jaylynn. Those days of telling lame jokes at crappy clubs were just a small part of my life. But this right here? This means something. I am quitting comedy.

 _KG covers up his poster of Sam Kinison with a poster of Warren Buffett._

WADE: Warren Buffett?

KG: My man.

 _"Big Time Theme Song" starts playing in the background as the kids look each other with bewilderment at KG's new lifestyle._

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The main five walk downstairs, still bewildered by what just happened._

SPARKY: Wow. You get your moment stolen by one comedian and all of a sudden, it's like your life isn't worth anything.

RK: This doesn't make any sense. KG wants to be a businessman now? Business? He hates that kind of work. He always said businessmen are just stuck-up jerks in monkey suits who make their money by destroying the lower classes and reminding them of what they can't have.

JAYLYNN: Did he really say that?

RK: I was paraphrasing, to be honest.

WADE: I can't believe he took everything I said seriously.

RK: He, you, who did what now?

WADE: Well, I might have unintentionally, _inadvertently_ told him that he shouldn't have to put all of his energy into comedy...in a very misguided way.

RK: You square-headed SON OF A...you know what? Why am I so worried? KG has to really be into something if he was serious.

BUSTER: I don't know, he sounded serious to me.

RK: Please, this is just a front he's putting up because he's still mad about what happened at the Laugh Machine. He'll go with this businessman crap for a week, and he'll be back to his old self in no time.

SPARKY: I hope you're right. That Warren Buffett poster was creeping me out. Why was he so happy in it?

BUSTER: Hmm. Rick left. Eh, I'll catch him at home.

RK: Wait, why would your imaginary friend have the keys to your condo? Don't you think that sounds a little suspicious?

 _Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn all give RK weird stares._

RK: Oh, so the minute I join in, it's not cool anymore? F*** that shit.

SCENE 10

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Rodney is at his locker when KG walks up to him with his new look._

KG: How do you do, Mr. Rodney?

RODNEY: KG? What executive did you slap in the face to get that thing?

KG: Oh, please, Rod, call me Kevin. It sounds more mature and sophisticated. I'm trying to bring back class to the average man, you know what I mean?

 _At that point, KG pulls out a box of fruit punch Juicy Juice from his suit jacket and starts drinking it. Rodney rolls his eyes._

RODNEY: Wow. So what's with the new look?

KG: I've decided that comedy is beneath me. If I'm going to get ahead in life, I need to do something I know for sure is going to work out. So I've decided to become the world's next top businessman.

RODNEY: Do you know anything about business?

KG: No. But that's why I have this sexy suit. To learn. You see, Roddy, one day you're going to look back on this day and say to yourself, "Boy. Kevin sure taught me a lot that day."

RODNEY: No, I'm not.

DENISE: Hi guys.

RODNEY: Sup, Denise?

DENISE: KG, look at you. You're going to a board meeting after school?

KG: Ha! I caught the wit! But no, I'm just here getting my future plans in order. I'm going to be a businessman when I'm older.

DENISE: Really? I thought you wanted to be a comedian when you grew up.

KG: Comedian, shmedian. Do you know how cold and unforgiving that world is, Denise? It's horrible. I mean, you try so hard coming up with great material but no one cares. But being a businessman. Opportunities are coming straight out of the ass for that one. It just sounds like a real job. Businessman. Those people built up this country and made it what it is now.

DENISE: I'm pretty sure the Native Americans got the ball rolling. But I have to say, you seem happy with your choice. If it works for you, it works for you.

KG: Thank you, Denise. I wonder what a businessman would do at a time like this. Hmmm, the mind begins to wonder.

RODNEY: Well, for someone like you, I would recommend finding a way to make money. There's a Young Businessman Club meeting after school today. You could try going there.

KG: And how would you know about such an affair, Rodney?

RODNEY: They keep asking for new recruits. And for some reason I will never understand, they're always asking me.

 _A member of the club dressed similarly like KG walks up to Rodney._

MEMBER: We're having cookies and punch at today's meeting, Rodney.

RODNEY: I DON'T CARE!

KG: Please, you don't want this uncommitted slacker. You want somebody who will bring the cookies and not just eat them. Kevin Jennings, nice to meet you.

MEMBER: Stanley Betancourt, nice to meet you as well. You know, Kevin, I don't think you've ever had any interest in business before.

KG: We just met.

STANLEY: I like your honesty. Catching me in a lie is something only true businessmen are capable of. Seriously, come to today's meeting. We could use a dapper individual like yourself. And Denise, you should come too. Give the guys a little eye candy to let them know what they're working for.

DENISE: I don't put myself on display for guys to gawk at.

STANLEY: I like your honesty. Standing up for your gender is what will make you an excellent secretary someday. And Kevin, I hope to see you after school today.

KG: Yes you will, Stan. Adios.

 _Stanley walks away while Denise and Rodney stare at him with bewilderment and KG stares at him with admiration._

KG: What a great guy. You can tell we're going to be in good hands twenty years from now.

DENISE: Are you kidding? He's such a cornball.

RODNEY: Yeah, are you sure you want to be around him? I mean, he's like the opposite of you.

KG: Did you see the suits? I think we're just close enough. Besides, I have to do the right thing for me and my brother. I'm not going to screw this up like I did comedy.

 _Denise and Rodney give KG looks of concern._

KG: Well, we can have this water cooler talk later. I have to prepare for the meeting.

 _KG walks away while running his hand through his hair._

DENISE: Should we be concerned?

RODNEY: Of course we should, it's KG. I haven't seen him get this nutty since the time he was afraid of the shower.

 _There is an awkward pause for a few seconds as a cutaway gag is never shown._

DENISE: What the hell's going on?

RODNEY: It never happened and now I'm ashamed.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _KG is reading a book on industrialists while vacuuming. He has left his jacket on the couch._

KG: It says here that on the road to making his fortune, Andrew Carnegie made several investments in various products and later became a bond salesman. Cool.

 _RK comes in the house and scratches his head._

KG: RK, how are things?

RK: KG, you...

KG: What?

RK: You're...

KG: What?!

RK: Turn off the vacuum cleaner!

KG: Earn off the snack food treaters?! I don't think you meant to say it like that.

 _RK simply turns off the vacuum cleaner himself._

RK: I was telling you to turn off the vacuum. It was so loud, I could barely hear myself complain.

KG: Complain about what?

RK: You're doing the vacuuming. You. That's my job!

KG: Well, pardon me if I want the house to look neat every day. It was looking a little worn out, so I decided to give this place a little TLC.

RK: Well, it does look pretty hot, this floor. Still, you never do the vacuuming. After the house key fiasco, you pawned it off on me.

KG: Eh, that was when I lacked ambition and the motivation to do it all. Now that I'm a businessman, I have to start taking responsibility. Oh yeah, I cleaned your room and fed Mrs. Tuxedo Pants. You know, that cat you never acknowledge.

RK: I know who my pet is. Still, I'm glad you actually went ahead and did it. When are we going to get started on dinner?

KG: Oh, I'll get started on that. I'm going to try out that filet mignon recipe for the first time. It's a very...entrepreneurial meal.

RK: It should be. Well, businessman, you're really coming along. I'll get out of your hair.

 _RK walks upstairs and continues to watch KG vacuum and read simultaneously._

RK: You know, maybe KG really did need a change of pace. This might work out after all.

 _RK runs into Mrs. Tuxedo Pants, who hisses at him in disapproval._

RK: I _do_ acknowledge you.

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade is pulling a few books out of his locker while RK talks to him._

RK: The ice cream...had pieces of cinnamon buns in it. How did he do it? How did he do it? I don't know, it was just f***ing magical!

WADE: So you appreciate the new KG because he can throw down in the kitchen?

RK: That's not what I meant. Last night was a beautiful thing. KG was on fire, nobody could stop him. I think he's really going to enjoy being a businessman.

 _Wade stands up and smacks RK to the floor._

RK: You son of a bitch, why did you do that?!

WADE: Because you're having delusional thoughts right now.

RK: Oh yeah, a more focused, hard-working KG means I'm delusional. Call up the press, looks like old man Jennings is having another spastic attack!

WADE: I'm just saying you should keep things in perspective. KG is having a knee-jerk reaction to his horrible experience at the comedy club. You're enjoying his new lifestyle because of the little incentives you get, but what happens when the well dries up?

RK: We just get more water. Boom.

WADE: RK...

RK: Look, Wade, I appreciate your concern but I think we should just see where this goes. Why get KG back into comedy right this second?

WADE: Okay, but it's your last rites.

BUSTER: You ready for the big slumber party this weekend, RK?

RK: OH, DAMN THE MOST COLORFUL RAINBOW IN THE SKY!

SCENE 13

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky, Buster, and RK are watching TV together at night. There is a space in between Buster and RK for Rick._

RK: Alright, Buster, you promised burgers. I've been here for three hours and no burgers, what gives?

BUSTER: RK, don't you remember? You had five burgers from McDonald's, then you drank a can of fruit punch, fell asleep for almost an hour and woke back up.

RK: I had a lot of burgers, how do you expect me to keep up?

SPARKY: You know what will make this male bonding even more fun?

RK: By pretending to slit our wrists? Only in this case, it will be me legitimately doing it?

SPARKY: No, you're just overdoing it. I mean, we just sit here and talk to each other about stuff.

RK: We do that every freaking week at your place!

SPARKY: Yeah, but this is Buster's place. We don't come here often.

RK: That's true. Hey, I actually have a real question. Buster, what's with that Talking Dumpster? How did that f***ed up science experiment happen?

BUSTER: I really don't want to tell you the whole story. All you should know is that it's dead now.

RK: That's dope. He was so annoying.

SPARKY: Yeah, the way he would say shit that had nothing to do with what you wanted advice for...I mean, come on, what were you on when you made that?

RK: Like, opium or something.

SPARKY: Right?

RK: So Rick, the Rickshaw Man. Ricky Rubio. How are you doing, buddy?

BUSTER: I don't think he can hear you.

RK: Let me try harder. Yo, Richard! Rick Tick Dickory Dock, what's the shiznit? Digging your new haircut, man.

BUSTER: RK, he doesn't have a haircut.

RK: Well, he's got to have something. I can't know for sure, BECAUSE I CAN'T MOTHERF***ING SEE HIM!

BUSTER: If you really want to know, he has long brown hair and a sweater vest.

RK: Well, the hairdo is just wicked. Makes him look like Hanson. See, I like calling them Handsome, you know, because they had the hair and those dumbass faces you just wanted to kick over and over.

SPARKY: They had that song about groupies, right?

RK: What?

BUSTER: Sparky, what are you talking about?

SPARKY: I'm talking about that song that goes "Hey baby, hey baby, hey."

RK: That was No Doubt.

SPARKY: Oh yeah, it was. What did Hanson have again?

BUSTER: They had "MMMBop," dude!

SPARKY: Well, forgive me if I have a crap memory.

RK: When it comes to Big Time Rush, you don't.

SPARKY: Oh, a cheap shot, real mature.

RK: Dude, I call it as I see it.

SPARKY: Call what? I don't care about Hanson.

RK: I don't care either, but that's the only song they were ever famous for.

SPARKY: Whatever, man.

BUSTER: You know, Rick and I love the Jonas Brothers.

SPARKY: Yes, f***, the Jonas Brothers. Real recognize real, man.

RK: I always thought they were hyped up too much.

BUSTER: What?

RK: What, I just feel like people gas them up too much, that's all.

SPARKY: You sound like a contarian dick right now, man.

RK: Whatever.

SPARKY: Their second album. Tell me, who's touching that second album? Who's touching it?

RK: Fifth Harmony could touch that shit with their eyes closed.

BUSTER: Yo, they don't even have the catalogue, man. Where's the catalogue? Where did it go? Don't sit there...

RK: You're on the nuts of the Jonas Brothers because they play instruments, wow.

BUSTER: Don't sit there. Don't sit there and treat the Jonas Brothers like that because you have a secret crush on Lauren from Fifth Harmony, don't do it to yourself.

RK: I don't have a crush, nobody has a crush on nobody.

SPARKY: Oh, RK's advertising for his girl. I get it. I get it now.

RK: She's...she's really hot. Okay? That's it. I don't have a poster of her in my room or anything.

BUSTER: Well, still, don't sit there and talk shit about the original JB, man.

RK: Really? You want to pull out that argument?

BUSTER: The original JB. Not even an argument.

RK: I actually like the Jonas Brothers. I think they're a talented group, I just don't like how you guys are treating them like Motorhead because they can play instruments. Get out of here with that. They're not Motorhead, they knew their lane.

SPARKY: Shut up, dude.

RK: You know what? I'm going to bed. I still hate you, Rick.

BUSTER: Yeah, he still hates you too!

SPARKY: Yeah. Don't even sit there and talk about the pop game when you don't know it. Don't talk about the game when you ain't even know it. Shit, man.

 _RK walks upstairs and out of earshot, leaving Sparky and Buster._

SPARKY: Wait, so No Doubt, right?

BUSTER: Yes.

SPARKY: Did Britney Spears ever do a track with them?

SCENE 14

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _A few days later, RK returns home with his sleeping bag. He opens the door and sees KG in his suit and tie staring him down while he sits on the couch._

RK: KG, why are you looking at me like that?

KG: I prefer Kevin.

RK: Oh yeah, Kevin. What's going on?

KG: Oh, I've been just fine. The question is, where have YOU been?

RK: That wasn't set up the way you planned it.

KG: RK, this is no time for witty banter! Do you know that while you were out there having fun with your friends, there were real people out there making real money?

RK: I bet they were, but I spit on those people so why does it matter?

KG: It matters a LOT. Carlos Slim has his finger on the pulse of Mexican economy while you're just slacking off.

RK: Get to the point, please.

KG: I believe you and I both need to step up our game if we're going to reach him. Here you go.

RK: What the hell is this?

KG: A book about financial planning and people who succeeded through smart investments. You know, like Carnegie?

RK: "Kevin", this is absolutely ridiculous. I have no interest in business.

KG: I thought you might say that. Which is why from now on, you're cutting down on TV time.

RK: Oh, you crossed the imaginary line there, buddy. There's no way that will ever happen.

KG: RK, you and I both know that nobody has ever learned anything from watching TV. Besides, I'm trying to make sure the Jennings empire exists in the future. Who do you think is going to take it over after I die?

RK: We don't have an empire, and if this keeps up, I'm going to make sure I'm dead before you are. I'll be upstairs...trying to regain whatever sanity I have left!

KG: Smart move. Businessmen have to make sure they're sane at all times.

 _RK makes a strangling motion on the steps and then walks upstairs with his sleeping bag._

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _THREE DAYS LATER_

 _The five are all walking together. RK looks noticeably worn down._

WADE: RK, you're a mess.

RK: Thank you. It's KG again, or "Kevin." I was up all night watching a documentary about Lee Iacocca.

WADE: Why?

RK: Well, Lee Iacocca is on KG's fave five of all-time great businessmen.

WADE: No, I mean, why were you watching it?

RK: Because that bastard wants me to be a businessman too. I'm telling you, Wade, he's starting to lose his mind.

JAYLYNN: Are you sure he really wants to be a businessman or is he just faking it?

RK: I have no idea. All he does now is walk around in that chimp suit and go to that stupid club after school. He was even offered an internship to work alongside a bank teller but he turned it down. The questions they were asking him were pretty weird though.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _KG is shown being interviewed for the internship at the bank._

INTERVIEWER: Okay, so I'm just going to ask you a couple questions. Number one, are you Jewish?

KG: No.

INTERVIEWER: Number two, are you Jewish or have any plans to become Jewish?

KG: Didn't you hear me six seconds ago? I'm not Jewish.

INTERVIEWER: I believe you. This is just a formality. The first two questions are always about applicants being Jewish. Question three, are you familiar with the inner wordings of the Torah?

 _The camera cuts to a shot of KG looking extremely annoyed._

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

 _At this point, Sparky and Jaylynn have arrived at their lockers and are getting ready for first period._

RK: And now, his goal is to make my life a living hell. Well, more than usual.

WADE: I thought you loved the new worldly and sophisticated KG.

RK: Screw that, I want the old one back. He's more annoying now than he's ever been before.

WADE: Well, before you do anything you might regret, I have to see this for myself. How about I come over to your place for dinner tonight?

RK: Okay. But as an act of courtesy, you could probably try bringing your own dish.

BUSTER: Guys, I have an announcement.

SPARKY: You finally started listening to me about using your ointment?

BUSTER: No, that stuff is cold. My real announcement is that Rick is officially the sixth member of Testicular Sound Express.

JAYLYNN: Hmm. I always thought it would be Anja.

RK: I AM IN NO MOOD FOR THIS BULLSHIT! Hey, Rick, you see this? This is an imaginary knife. You know what it can do? IT STABS PEOPLE TO THE IMAGINARY BONE! _RK takes the "knife" and starts "stabbing" Rick multiple times, "killing" him._

SPARKY: I have no idea what just happened.

RK: Rick's dead, just like on _Degrassi_. Life imitates art, who knew?

 _RK walks away with a bored expression while Buster starts screaming in pain._

BUSTER: OH, THE HUMANITY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SCENE 16

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on TV. The special guest is Jennifer Lawrence._

JIMMY FALLON: Okay, so you actually ate it?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yeah, but I didn't even know it was alive!

JIMMY FALLON: OMG, total dram drams. Tell me more, tell me more!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Okay, so I started choking and I spilled some wine on my shirt.

JIMMY FALLON: Yeah?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: And then, get this!

JIMMY FALLON: Yes, what's to get?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: There were two girls sitting across from me HOLDING JARS OF PEE!

 _Jimmy Fallon starts cackling as loud as possible while the crowd and Lawrence do the same, then Fallon falls off his chair from the excitement._

RK: What?

 _RK's doorbell rings and he looks through the peephole. It's Wade with a dish in a Tupperware container. He then opens the door._

RK: Alright, bring on the food.

WADE: I hope you like Brussels sprouts.

RK: You see, this is exactly why I don't like eating at your place.

WADE: Look, if I think we should have a healthy selection, then so be it! Where's KG?

RK: Fixing his hair for some reason. You know what, I have to go make sure my bedroom window's open.

WADE: Why?

RK: Because if this dinner goes exactly as I expect it to, I'm jumping out of it.

 _Later on, RK, KG, and Wade are eating what appears to be mashed potatoes. Wade starts looking for his container._

WADE: Where are the Brussels sprouts?

RK: Introduced them to the trash.

KG: So Ryan, how was school today?

RK: Well, "Kevin," I went there, learned a bunch of crap, then went home.

KG: You know, you really should start taking school more seriously. Your career depends on it.

RK: I'm not going to be a businessman, for the last stock-picking time!

KG: We have guests here, Ryan. By the way, I was checking your email. You really should be doing some cleanup.

RK: Why were you on my email?

KG: You were still logged on and I caught an interesting glimpse at your inbox. I didn't know you were going to order Fifth Harmony posters.

RK: KG, don't you realize that looking through someone's email is against the law?

WADE: Yeah. You really want them to catch you and put you in the slammer so those guys can stick it to you?

 _RK and KG give Wade a confused stare._

WADE: I'm sorry, this food is making me inappropriate.

RK: Kevin, would you like to watch TV with Wade and myself after we are done with this meal?

KG: Ryan, like I said before, television is for those with no future. TV? Please. I'm a businessman.

RK: You know, Reagan watched TV. How about it?

KG: Honestly, Ryan, you really should give your inbox a second look. All that junk mail? Good Lord.

RK: Oh, like you're one to talk. Sitting around here making phone calls for Ben Carson emails.

KG: How do you know that?

RK: Eavesdropping on phone calls is a thing now, KG.

WADE: I'm glad you guys avoided the use of sour cream in this.

KG: It's Kevin. And honestly, why does it matter to you that I'm interested in the policies of Ben Carson and the Republican party?

RK: BECAUSE LIKE YOU SAID, I DON'T WANT, UNDERSTAND, OR BELIEVE IN GETTING EMAILS FROM BEN CARSON!

KG: Silence! You don't know anything.

RK: Oh, I know something.

 _The doorbell rings, but then Buster just walks in anyway. He stares down the boys while standing in the living room._

WADE: What's Buster doing here?

RK: Let me handle this.

 _RK and Wade both walk up to Buster._

RK: Buster, what, what is...w-why do you have that look on your face, man?

BUSTER: I would personally like to thank the both of you for missing the funeral for Rick this afternoon.

WADE: We didn't even know you had a funeral.

BUSTER: You were supposed to use the imaginary RSVP, it's common knowledge!

RK: Is this leading to something?

BUSTER: Yes. RK, after what you did to Rick, I don't think we can be friends anymore.

RK: The f***?!

BUSTER: That's right. I'm sick and tired of dealing with your crap. As of right now, this friendship is over.

WADE: Buster, don't you think you're going down into a descent of madness with such a hasty decision?

BUSTER: Google Translate, please.

RK: Why are you acting like such a loser just because I killed someone that's not even real?!

BUSTER: Because you don't deserve my friendship. I tried to get you and Rick to see eye to eye, but I guess I was wrong. You know, RK, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to say to himself, "I tried, and I failed." I'm just glad I realized this now and not when I'm 27.

 _Buster walks out of the house and slams the door._

KG: If that just so happens to be a looter, use diplomacy!

RK: Oh my God. That was everything KG said.

WADE: RK, I think I've seen enough! It's time to get your brother back into comedy!

RK: Finally, we're on the same page. How do we do it?

WADE: We do it the only way necessary.

RK: Another time travel adventure?

WADE: No, not that. I have something way more effective planned.

SCENE 17

The Laugh Machine

Interior Chuckle's Diner

Seattle, Washington

 _RK, Wade, and KG are watching a step dance team dancing to "Gravity" by Jessica Jarrell in front of a packed house._

RK: You know, I really want to thank you guys for coming down here. I got some new impressions lined up that you'll love.

WADE: No sweat, RK. Neither of us can wait to see you in action.

KG: You know, this old dive hasn't changed a bit since the days I came here.

WADE: KG, we were here less than a month ago.

 _The team is done performing and gets a standing ovation. The Laugh Machine host takes the stage once again._

L.M. HOST: Well, that's what's happening as the kids say. Alright, you saw magicians, sketch comedians, dancers, and now you're about to see an impressionist. He is the man of a thousand voices, make way for the little guy, Ryan Kennedy Jennings!

 _RK gets out of his seat and takes the stage to applause._

RK: Thank you, thank you, everyone. But there's been a change in plans. See, tonight, I've officially decided to start my career as a stand-up comedian.

KG: Ryan doing stand-up? Is he inebriated? Because I'm starting to think that he's inebriated.

RK: Oh yes, hold the applause until the end. Okay, where do we start? Climate change. You know, this climate change, this climate change, man...it's not cool. It's just not cool. It sucks, this climate change. If you want to see climate change...babe...date a Kardashian.

 _There are some audible chuckles but the crowd is unresponsive._

KG: What the? That's not even the punchline and he's stealing my material! How are you going to tell a climate change joke and screw up the punchline?

WADE: Why do you care? You're not into comedy anymore.

KG: You know what, Wade? You're right. I'm just Kevin the businessman trying to enjoy the show.

RK: How about those standards for dating, people? Isn't this a trip? I mean, what am I supposed to do? A guy can sit there and say, "Your standards are pretty freaking high." And I'll just to say to him, "Thanks, babe. I'm a homeless guy begging for cash."

 _KG is furious as Wade starts cackling at RK messing up the joke._

KG: Hey, if you're going to steal my jokes, steal 'em right, you yahoo bird!

WADE: You know, your act is a lot funnier when he does it.

RK: And you know what? I want to talk about Ben Carson. Ben Carson, man, Ben Carson...BEN CARSON, LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, BOY! I like this microphone. I like the way this feels in my hand when I stroke it. So Ben Carson. I'm tired of his shit. Tired, tired, tired, tired of his shit, homeboy. You think black people sit there wanting to vote for him? What is he going to do for us, I mean, them? As a supporter of the black man, it's like...I'm tired, man. Tired, tired, tired, tired of his shit. You know, that reminds me. You know how back in 2008, everybody was voting for...no, wait, they were voting for...v-voting for who exactly? Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue. Um, Herman Cain? John McCain? Um, um...Al Sharpton?! Al Sharpton, yes! They were all voting for Al Sharpton!

KG: OBAMA, PEOPLE WERE ALL VOTING FOR OBAMA IN 2008!

RK: Yes, that's it, Obama! Barack Obama, people were voting for Obama in 2008. You know how back in 2008, Obama was getting votes? Well, eight years later, Ben Carson comes around trying...he's trying to understand...understand the mechanics...u-understand the understanding of understandable understandings...he wants the people, to understand him, and I sit here saying, "Oh, I'll make you understand this foot up your ass!"

KG: OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE PUNCHLINE, YOU'RE KILLING MY JOKES, THIS IS COMEDY MURDER!

RK: Oh, you think you can do better, tough guy?

KG: This damn napkin could do better!

RK: Well, be my guest. Make your move.

KG: Gladly. _*KG takes the microphone from RK*_ You see, people, what he's trying to say is that no black person is just going to sit there and vote for... _*KG's expression changes into a smirk when he realizes that RK and Wade tricked him*_ You bastards set me up, didn't you?

RK: We sure did.

WADE: Take your shot, KG.

KG: Alright, people, here's the thing about Ben Carson: He makes black people look so bad, they sit here rooting for Trump's bum ass. Sitting here like, "Yo, I represent Trump, on that really real shit." Man, you're just looking for any Republican to make you feel good about yourself. You'll never catch me in the booth looking for Jeb Bush.

 _The crowd can hardly contain its collective laughter._

KG: See, that's the thing about these elections these days. There's no variety. Back in the day, you had two sides: The good guy and the bad guy. In 1992, we knew that Bill Clinton was the good guy because George H.W. Bush was just too much of an idiot to take seriously. Now you turn the page to 2016, and it's not about the good guy vs. the bad guy anymore. It's about which politician has committed the least crimes, evaded the smallest amount of taxes, and has been the least annoying compared to every other jackass that's running. Damn, I wish Obama could get three terms sometimes.

 _The crowd continues laughing, to the point where one of them falls out of his seat._

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

 _RK, Wade, and KG are celebrating KG's performance with glasses of ginger ale._

WADE: A ginger ale toast to the most dangerous comedian out right now, KG Jennings!

RK: Yeah, MOTHERF***ERS!

KG: Thank you, thank you. I was on fire tonight. You know, I guess I got tired of waiting for so long for that big break, I just gave up.

RK: Dude, you can't give up yet. You have the power to do something special. You get to make people laugh by knowing stuff they don't know. But they laugh anyway, because they know you're special.

WADE: What did you just say?

RK: I don't know, I think this ginger ale is spiked or something. But anyway, KG, you can't just give up on your dreams. You have to go through hell to get people to notice you. And if they still don't notice you, I'll kick all their asses. HAHA!

KG: Thanks, bro. I would like to say that Kevin the businessman is no more. KG the comedian...has returned.

WADE: Yes, indeed.

RK: Hell yeah.

WADE: Hey, wait a minute. There's still the matter of you talking to Buster.

RK: Why? Because he lost his mind and that's not my fault?

WADE: No, because he's our friend and you're going to have to fix things before he holds onto this grudge for the rest of his life.

RK: Ugh, fine. I'll go there, kiss him on the cheek, and tell him everything's gonna be alright. Stand aside. I have to meet my destiny.

 _RK limps out of the living room and closes the front door._

KG: Seriously, what the hell did you put in this ginger ale?

WADE: Nothing!

SCENE 19

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK rings Buster's doorbell three times and Buster answers it, wearing a bathrobe and a towel on his head._

BUSTER: What do you want, friend murderer?

RK: Sit down, Buster. It's time for us to have a man-to-man talk.

BUSTER: Okay?

 _Buster and RK sit down. They stare at each other briefly before RK kisses him on the cheek._

BUSTER: What are you doing?

RK: Everything's gonna be alright.

BUSTER: No, it's not, you weirdo!

RK: Oh. That didn't work? That was my ace in the hole. Now I'm stumped.

BUSTER: Are you done?

RK: No, wait. I have my train of thought back. Buster, I'm sorry I killed your imaginary friend. Just to let you know, I already destroyed the knife. We never have to forget Rick because the imaginary gods are looking after him.

BUSTER: That still doesn't explain why you hated Rick.

RK: Well, the truth is, I was kinda jealous of him. My parents never let me have imaginary friends when I was younger. They thought it would make me insane. But I turned out pretty well.

BUSTER: Eh.

RK: Look, I didn't like Rick because he reminded me of what could have been. I never had the chance to have my own Rick so...I felt good taking him away from you.

BUSTER: Oh. I guess I understand. Rick was a little boring anyway.

RK: But why did you even invent him?

BUSTER: Because I was lonely.

RK: Lonely? How? You have us.

BUSTER: Sometimes. But other times, you and Wade are going on these crazy adventures, Sparky's doing his homework, Jaylynn's doing God knows what with Anja. I don't even have a girlfriend anymore. I don't know. It just feels so empty sometimes.

RK: I know what you mean. I always want to make sure I have someone to turn to. But don't worry. We're never going to make you feel like you're left out of things. Hey! Maybe the next time Wade and I do something wild, you can come with us.

BUSTER: Are you sure? I don't want to feel like the other woman. Or in this case, the other kid.

RK: We'll work something out.

BUSTER: Well, thanks for the talk. I needed that.

RK: Sure thing. So how was the funeral?

BUSTER: It was cool. Rick would have wanted to go out that way. He left me ten dollars and a shoebox in his will.

RK: Wait. You wrote up a will for your imaginary friend?

BUSTER: Yeah. Is that so weird?

RK: Well, let's see...

BUSTER: Don't answer that.

 _Buster and RK trade bored expressions as the scene fades to black and goes straight to the credits._

 _("We Can Get Down" by A Tribe Called Quest playing in the end credits)_

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. KG the Carnegie Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 1/1/17)_

-There's no better time to do this than almost a year after I posted this episode.

-This was one of the original ideas I came up with for season four. I remember watching "But Seriously, Folks" in 2015 and thinking the part where Jesse messes up Joey's jokes at the comedy club was hilarious. I liked the episode and felt like it could make a really good cover episode since KG was a comedian just like Joey. Plus, even now, I don't focus on KG's aspirations of getting into comedy so this plot was perfect for _Thank You, Heavenly_ to do.

-Initially, this episode was going to be in November 2015, but around that time, I was procrastinating and not getting too much done so I decided to leave it alone for a while. I found an opportunity to put it out on January 31, 2016, alongside two other episodes in an unprecedented situation. Out of all of the episodes that I planned to post that night, this one was the closest to being finished.

-In this episode, KG played Joey, RK played Jesse (for the most part), and Buster played D.J. I didn't really have to worry about assigning roles to the characters here because it was so focused on KG. I knew the episode needed a subplot so that's how I came up with Buster having an imaginary friend. I'm surprised it took me that long to have an "imaginary friend" plot on this show.

-In the original episode, Phyllis Diller was the comedian to upstage Joey so I knew I needed a modern comedian to take her place. At the time I wrote this, Kevin Hart was one of the few to really have a buzz. If I made this episode now, I would probably use Dave Chappelle. Bruce Baum was the comedy club host in the original episode so I just kept that the same.

-The episode title is a reference to notable industrialist Andrew Carnegie.

-The opening bit with RK and Wade was inspired by a message board I frequently go to. In an old thread I dug up, they were talking about Sam Smith and other white artists being declared as soul singers which they believed was an attempt to whitewash the genre. Also, one of Eminem's major criticisms is that he succeeded because of white privilege and he would never be as popular if he was black, something he has addressed in his songs.

-RK believes that Rick will end up leading Buster down the path of John Hinckley, Jr., a man who attempted to assassinate then-U.S. President Ronald Reagan in 1981 as a way to win the heart of actress Jodie Foster. At the time of the shooting, Hinckley was 25 so I wasn't too far off.

-As the episode itself stated, Rick was named after the _Degrassi: The Next Generation_ character Rick Murray.

-When RK walks upstairs, he references Hank Hill's catchphrase "That boy ain't right" from _King of the Hill_.

-In Kevin Hart's set, he references an incident from the Grammy Awards in 1998 where Wu-Tang Clan member Ol' Dirty Bastard stepped on stage during a Shawn Colvin acceptance speech and said during a speech of his own, "I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children." This was in response to Puff Daddy winning for Best Rap Album, beating the Clan's double album _Wu-Tang Forever_.

-The Laugh Machine host suggesting that he could smash a watermelon is a reference to Gallagher, the prop comic known for smashing watermelons during his act. I thought that Bruce Baum looked like Gallagher so that was the inspiration for the joke.

-KG asking if the crowd wants to see him puff out his chest and talk about tax exemption is a reference to the _SpongeBob SquarePants_ episode "Grandma's Kisses," where Patrick was teaching SpongeBob to become an adult by doing the same thing.

-Jaylynn's accusation of RK having a newspaper obsession is a callback to "The Halloween from Hell," where RK was inspired to turn his house into a haunted house from an article in the paper.

-Sam Battersby was named after the newspaper music critic from another _Full House_ episode, season two's "I'm There for You, Babe."

-Buster thinking that Rick is Native American is a reference to the fact that Native Americans tend to suffer from lactose intolerance.

-The slumber party debate wasn't planned at all. I just started riffing off the mentioning of the Talking Dumpster and came up with something random for the guys to talk about. It had a really improvisational style but I kept it because I thought it was funny.

-The bank internship interview was something I came up with one Saturday while I was helping out with the vacuuming.

-The Jennifer Lawrence gag is a lot funnier now than it was when I first wrote it, mostly because of an interview Lawrence did a while back where she rubbed her butt on these rocks that were considered sacred to a Hawaiian civilization.

-I still have to write an episode where RK, Wade, and Buster do something wild together. I shouldn't put off an idea like that.


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